Over the Initial Shock

For the first time since beginning my classes, yesterday I found myself in a far more tranquil state than I had been in the past.  Perhaps it was the combination of medications and self-imposed 9:00pm bed-time, but ultimately through God's providence, when I showed up Thursday morning, I felt strengthened to work for the day.  This is a huge answer to prayer considering where I was just a week ago.  I think the comfort spawned from the words of wisdom given to me from a fellow teacher.  That is, to think of my time here as being given to the Lord.  When I think of time no longer as 'mine', 12 hour work days don't seem so bad.  I can be thankful for the moments when I do get to go out and play a game of soccer or watch a movie with my coworkers or spend a quiet evening to myself.    I still struggle to see my placement here as a ministry opportunity, perhaps because I distract myself in all the noise of school or perhaps I forget all the blessings Christ has bestowed upon me.  However, while in class yesterday, students asked me to take prayer requests which I gladly accepted and brought before Christ.  I only hope that my heart is in the right place, because sometimes I feel like I'm only going through the motions.

My largest obstacle now is the controlling of my classroom.  I often feel incapable of being the assertive teacher that I need to be.  That's not to say my expectations for the course work or student behavior have been lowered in any way, but rather, I simply don't force the kids pay attention when attention is required.  This is often to the frustration of other classmates and to myself as talking persists in the classroom.  Why then do I put up with such disrespect?  Why do I not command the kids and lay down the consequences that follow?  My best guess is that it has to do with fear.  I am by no any means an angry person, and for me to lay down consequences leads me to feeling almost like I'm giving retribution.  I have no need for vengeance, but I do need the students to understand that I mean business.  Ultimately I will need to get my habits changed or I will be fighting my classes all year long.